What a Day..

Dated: 31 July 2006

What a day today has been for me. I had been looking forward to this week as i can go down to the client place with the senior to audit during my last two weeks of attachment, i simply hate staying in office as i have to be so constantly thick skin to find the manager for things to do, be it shredding of paper or filing or proof reading.When they have nothing for me to do, i have to go around asking for things to do so that i have time to charge my time sheet and time will pass faster.
Though at times going down to client place would mean more stress but it's better then to slack around and having nothing to do. I would feel useless when i have nothing to do. But didn't expect things to turn out for the worse. This morning when i realised that both my another attachment friend & me are doing the same client place, both of us were so excited and thus we were anticipating for the seniors to leave the office and travel down to the client place.
But... the senior auditor went up to me and say they don't need two trainee to go down, too much people.. after saying that sentence she then told my friend to be the one to go down. Damn it.. Which means i be jobless...which means i have to do what i hate to do. That moment i felt someone had just poured a pail of cold water on me, soaking and washing away all my happiness & excitment. I had an outburst,i felt so totally useless, it was as if the senior favoured my friend more then me.. not that my friend is not good but simply the outurn of event is not what i could accept.
i couldn't understand why is it always me who always get the sai kang, when my other attachment frens can get along well with the colleagues there, i couldn't. When they can go down client place, i would be staying in the office. when they would be under nice seniors,i would be under mean seniors. I wouldn't want this event to make this friendship to turn sour but somehow within me, i had really been jealous. I know i sounds childish.. but one have to be in my shoes to totally understand how i felt. I mean why does bad things ALWAYS have to happen to me?? When i was not chosen to go down to the client place, i felt damn low self esteem... it was as if i was dumb when i am not & my Ren Yuan was damn bad, being the fact that i am not those talkative or friendly type, and i am quite Bo chup, occupying myself with work most of the time.
Have u ever look forward to something with excitment but only to be disappointed badly.. I really had thought my life had change for the better but only to realise......... Thoughts of death did surround me, thoughts that since i am such a failure in life, no achievements, no looks, no smartness.. only have problems... Financial problems, family problems, work problems, no luck in relationship. If one were to feel that life sucks, tell me about it man and i would tell that person how my life can suck like hell. What to do, i have no wish to end my life as i don't wish to put to an end of the future i plan to achieve. Haiz... at the end of the day, life still has to go on wherether i like it or not. Since things has already become so bad, i could only hope that it would turn out for the better. Whoever stumble this post pls DO NOT take pity on me coz i hate it. The reason why i am writing all these is i need a column to release out all my frustrations...... Oh God, i am so weary, i could only hope that things would turn for the better.. I just wanna stay Happy.......