My reason to rejoice..

Just came back from church..hmm.. come to think of it, i've been a christian for almpst nine years if i didn't include the period i left.

I'm glad that i knew God at the age of 15, as growing up as a kid, i didn't have any friends except for one,a gal who kinda controlled my life, everything that i do or said was literally controlled by her.. she didn't allow me to have any friends as she only want me to have one friend..and that's her. Even my own pocket money, she took it and use it as her own..back then, i was a stupid kid, who didn't have any guts, no idea why i was so afraid of her, but apparently the 'friendship lasted till i was 14.. got stuck with her for 7 years... I still remember at the age of ard 11 i kinda knew i couldn't stand her but didn't know how to shake her off and when she came to my house to look for me, i hid in the cupboard as my parents weren't at home, she went off.. pathetic me..

We did a lot of stupid stuff during the teenage years, ran away from home, stealed & got involved in a fight. We were the notorious two in secondary school days, she was the cause of it.. she always get into trouble with the teachers & students and as i was with her, i would be dragged into it.. thus the whole class hated us, including students of other class, with same level as us.

The 'friendship' ended when i was 15, she was transferred to another school by her parents..phew.. i had only gain back my freedom. That very year i failed sec 3 and was retained, life from that year till 17, i had a tough time.. all the students hated me, by what we had done previously.. as i was kinda quiet and timid.. they literally stare at me and make stupid remarks at me, saying i was a "GiGi' ( Malay word for Rabbit teeth), laugh at my face every single day in school..One of my classmates would say that word out loud in front of me & repeat it again & again till i cried.. to them, bullying me was their entertainment. i had no friends..so i was a loner..Those days were miserable, i cried everyday..hated my life but apparently thoughts of dead never crossed my life.. i live because i live.. life to me had no purpose..imagine living a life 0f 15 years feeling so unwanted, ugly, useless and rejected by the world.. back then i would feel that my existence is extra and i only take up other people oxygen.

Life took out a different path when i was 15, the later part when the gal changed school. I was walking alone on Wisma Atria.. yep, since i had no friends, my entertainment would be taking bus till it's final destination and then switch on to another bus, repeating it again and again.. Haha, come to think of it now, i felt it was rather dumb, i can't remember what went through my mind back then. It was then i met 2 strangers who approached me, introduced themselves & invited me to their church anniversary celebration.. Yep, it was then Someone special had entered into my life and that is God..


Yup, my life had took a different turn, i have found my purpose in life and soon things turn out for the better..my Sec 5 school classmates treated me like one of them & i begin to have friends..and the rest is history..
Though i have to admit there are times i don't live my life as what a christian should.. but neverthless, after so many years and so many incidents and leaving church and coming back.. at the end of the day, i got to say, i can't live without God and i love Him..He's so real in my life.

I know there are many people against my church and have lots of negative comments.. well i don't blame them for certain incidents are true but neverthless i hope they would not link such bad incidents and bad behaviours of christians with God.. We christians are also humans as well, we don't live life that much of a difference with everyone elses, we study hard, work hard & loves to have fun as well..there's ain't much restriction being a christian.. life is normal like the rest.. we eat, play and talk like the rests. Just that we acknowledge the existence of God & love Him.. finding the true purpose of life..

Though being a christian is no bed of roses, problems still occur neverthless there's this source of supernatural strength that carries me through..

God is good all the time & all the time God is good!

A person's smile charms another

LiFe is Full of uP & Downs, One juZ haVe to geT usEd to iTz.

Bad Moments don't Last foR loNg, it's DurIng sUch Times, u TruLy Grow uP & your Character gets build up..MaTurity doesn't Necessary GroW with Age but moSt of the Times it's through the Experiences of Life.

A 30 year old Might be Mature in Looks but yet Think like a Kid, a 20s can Look Kidish & luvs fun but that Doesn't necessary Proves that Her ThInking is not Mature.. By the way a Person handles a down patch in Life, only do one know The actual defination of Childish & Maturity..

When U r Depressed, Cry it Out alone Or in Front of yr Close friends, but Tell yourself Life stiLL goes on After the Tears... Though the Future holds UncerTaiNtly but It also holds Hope that Yr life will gets better.

Never entertain Stupid thoughts when u r at your lowest moment in life, Yr Frens R juz a Phone call away.. Impossibility is an enemy of Problems. so don't Link it together...

Take Impossibility as a Challenge to outwin your old self.

IF one Never Tries, One would Never Know..but do it with Wisdom that Is..

God & yourself are the best encouragement to Pick yourself up after Having a Tough Battle in Life..

When u Had done the Above, give Yourself a Pat on the back & reward yourself with something u luv to do or eat.

It's only through much experiences and being through much that i said the above.. i'm not saying it blankly.. i have been there, done that & come out stronger. Well..don ask me why i suddenly type all these..just felt like it.

Finally it's the weekend..

Yawnz.. i'm so totally bored at home.. kinda miss working at grill nowadays, feel that i'm not cut out for office life at times. Every morning without fail, i would be so tired that i have to shut my eyes for a minute or two to make myself feel more awake.. and it's really does get bored when there's not much interaction with my colleagues, all day i face is my computer.. coz in the morning, i wld be really quite stone, all i can absorb in my mind is the assisgnment given to me, doing it and learning at the same time but wld be too stone to make an effort to chat with the colleagues..

I realised it today at work, office people always tend to look forward to friday as after which sat & sun are rest days. I was kinda energetic at work counting down the hours to off work & thus in a much happier mood, so when the colleagues went to buy 50% off starbucks for the rest & me, i was kinda chatty....

If only i can be this good mood & chatty every day.. life at work would be so much better...

Sigh.. weekends mean more sleep and nothing else.. no one asked me out either.. only meeting the 3 gals for lunch..

One good thing about writing a blog is that when i don't wish to bother my friends to be my listener of my complains.. i shall write it out here..

I missed grill, think i would go back work once the boats are back.. well, i'm just not used to doing nothing after work... though it's gonna be tiring but at least life is more fulfilling.. i'm just used to hectic kind of life..slacking for too long makes me boredz..

I look so terrible

After 3 weeks plus of office life, i finally got used to it.. i no longer need to sleep at 10plus in order to be not so tired at work, as i realised that recently be it sleep early or late at night, i still have a big problem in waking up to work early in the morning but it's improving, i don fall asleep that much at work... today my mp3 was low batt while on the way home & i was so sianz.. i can't be alone without musics..i hate silence.. even at work, i have my radio tune in to 98.7... not withstanding the silence & standing inside the train stoning, i decided to alight at orchard to take bus home.. though it's kinda silly but i just couldn't stand the fact of being squeezed, without music & alone in the train.. I suggest SMRT to increase the frequency of trains in the morning.. so that commuters like us, the working adults can take a nap in the train & thus increasing our efficiency at work..

Just received the following photos taken by lao san at pizza hut...










Yep, i just had a sex change two weeks ago & i was a father of 4 before going for the operation..

The process of putting braces is so terrible.. if one were to look upclose, can see the gap between my teeth & it's so damn obvious.. i look so horrible.. can't wait for it to look better... but it's impossible to ask me not to smile when taking pictures.. i am vain by nature, though not good looking but being vain is just me.. so well..my normal reaction is to flash my teeth to smile when the camera is in front of me..
It's 12am and i got to go sleep..

A special day..

25th September 2006....my 24th year of existence on this earth... a day of rejoice or a day of ___??

Each has his or her own individual uniqueness & u can't find anyone else exactly like u..




Yep..i'm 24 years old..yupz i' have entered into adulthood for 4 years.. am i suppose to be different then??

Illustration:

Imagine this scenario:

In a courtroom, plaintiff: acquaintances of Cyndiz
defendant: me...
Case: acquaintances sued that Cyndi a lady of 24 yrs old shall act like a typical adult, it seems irritating to their eyes.. seeing her acting like a kid when she hanged out with teenagers. They feel that the judge shall give a rule to her that adult should behave like an adult.

Plaintiffs consists of tom, dick ,harry, mary & susan...

Tom: I saw her working in the restaurant with her colleagues.. oh my i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw her whacking her colleagues butt & chasing one another around.. her colleagues are teenagers, but she? she is...

Dick: (interrupts) ya lor ,ya lor.. the manager hire her to work not to play.. the teenagers playing is okay de, afterall it's a normal thing & it's part of growing up.. aiyohz..if u dunno her, u might think she is a teenager with a chao lao face...

Harry: u should have seen her when she's out of love manz.. she cry like a crybaby.. a bit, a bit also cry.. pple don like her, she cry.. the guy she likes ignore her, she cry.. manager say her also cry.. think can present her the crybaby award..i mean have u ever seen an adult cry so much??

Mary: Wah sehz, when i was a teenager & haf a crush on my classmates, i behave exactly like her.. always missing the guy, then when he not around or ignore me, i wld sulk the whole day & tell my frens how i miss him.. but now.. i don't le.. wah piang, don u think crushes are only for young gals??

Susan: erm.. though i don't know her that well... Pauses... but erm... well... pauses.... she work full time....but...then... she don behave like her other colleagues in the office....she still so......see the pictures she take.... still so act cute......pauses... makes one feel so... this law should be set on her.. if not i can't imagine her acting cute 5 to 6 years down the road..

Me: hey.. old uncles & aunties, look at me.. do i look as old as u all?? who ever say that adults should not enjoy life.. come on.. life itself is already so serious & work load is so much & problems never seems to decrease.. if i have to behave so serious.. i might as well go hang myself the minute i turned 21.

Me: humans should be flexible.. if u are around the younger ones, obviously u shall relate to them, be interested in what they like & just flow with them, everyone has a little kid inside of us..it's just that some doesn't show it so obvious or they only show it to those whom they are close with.. and plus my best friend don't see the childish side of me & on the other hand, my colleagues at clarke quay don't see the other side of me..

Have u seen a waitress with no smile.. giving a solemn face all the time, keeping quiet all the time, then when someone starts a topic, i start telling them about shares, politics & economy...
they would immediately get turn off & start talking among themselves.. i behave according to the situation, when i'm in office i'm more quiet.. most of the time i would be doing my work.. when my manager or colleagues talk to me, i would not whack their butt or laugh crazily.. i would just talk to them normally & by nature i'm more of a quiet type.. i mean if u wanna talk serious stuff, bring it on man, i can discuss with u over what's happening around in the world, be it polictics, business or the economics...

Tom: shows










She's so much older then the rest but see this, this is a good evidence..

Me:









It's tough being an adult, i mean if there's a choice i would wanna stay young forever.. so that i don need the face the stress of paying bills, facing the polictical workplace, not knowing who to trust & working 9 to 5 kind of life.. no more school holidays but only Public holiday & clearing leaves.. problems that only surrounds me the most would only be BGR.. but it isn't for an adult, the responsibility is greater & u can't fool around & stick out your tongue when u make make mistakes & hope the boss would not scold u.. i feel that balance is the key to life, though i'm not perfect but this is the way i'm.. everyone has their own personality, so if because i'm afraid of how others would view me and change accordingly..won't i have spilt personalities then?? my life ain't simple enough so if i have to carry the additional stress of behaving mature enough for people to be convinced & please everyone.. i would be a robot and then following the instructions of others & not living my life for myself..

Life should be lived to the fullest.. ain't it? i have the freedom of choice to chose my friends & behave how i should.. no matter what... the friends i have right now, to me they are my friends for life.. I am the way i am.. wherther it pleases anyone or not.. this is me.. just me..

Judge: After hearing the views of both parties, i hereby conclude that the defendant is not guilty. Everyone has the freedom of choice, if God gave us freedom.. are u higher then God if u were to force a person to act the way u think he or her should?

Hmm.. the above characters are fictiticious, so if your name happen to be the same as above..don be over sensitive, i just have to come of with names that comes to my mind.. i came up with the above scenario because i have people who said that i was childish & etc.. so yupz, above are all my defences...



.

birthday celebrations..

Thank God..Really had a great time celebrating my birthday this week. On sat, i met up with lihao,amanda & norin to go down to the buffet organised by our grill manager ,sam..met up with mei qi, maggie and most of the staffs at grill over there.. most of the food was average..only the durian paste left a deep impression one me.. it was super thick & nice..so yummy!!

During the desert part, i sense some kind of 'plot' going on when the 3 gals asked alvin for lighter..they did ask in an unobvious manner initially until someone mention the word: lighter ah?? then i did sensed something amissed..i was tricked to the toilet.. ( an old trick to get someone while preparing the surprise..no offence meant, gals.. juz tt i already kinda guessed it le.. next time i shall come out with a new idea to surprise pple..who's birthday is next?????) on returning back, the waiter brought out the cake.. mango cake!! my all time favourite!!!!! all of them sang birthday song for me..for the 1st time in 24 years that i have so much pple sang birthday song to me, though most of them over there didn't knew of the plan.. i almost cried.. i shall upload those pictures soonz... and to add on, the birthday wasn't from the restaurant, norin lihao & amanda were the ones who got the cake & norin hid the cake in her bag in such an obvious manner that i didn't suspect a thing when i met them..

Later on after the buffet lunch.. we went down to bugis with the intention to find xiu qi at her workplace, but apparently she hadn't reach bugis yet & thus we decide to meet her at grill at 9pm plus.. i bought 2 tops at bugis village and took neoprint with the 3 gals..the day ended with me distributing the mango cake out to everyone working at grill.. though it was a long day but it was funz..

Today.. i met up with my sotong family members!!! the only one who wasn't free was our president, auntie mary.. went to pizza hut to eat, they knew i luv beef lasgne ( i am good in eating but bad at spelling), and thus they decided to celebrate at pizza hut..so sweet & thoughtful of them!! =) haven been eating at pizza hut for centuries.. we really ate a lot of stuffs.. consists of the new pizza which is being advertised on tv, black pepper chix pizza, curry chix baked rice, chix wings, garlic bread, soup & of coz the beef lasgne.. yummy yummyz.. we were so full that i hardly could move...

next was the cake & oh mine,was it such a joke right from the start,written on the cake was this :

No wonder lao san, mei qi was laughing for no reason before the cake was brought out.. i had a good laugh too when i opened my eyes and saw that two words.. haha..since when did i change sex and got promoted to become a father of 4... haha.. we are not called Sotongs for nothing, initially it is supposed to be: "lao Da" but hahahaa.. this is going to be so memorable..i will remember this event be it ten years from now...

Next was the sweet & surprise:

ARGHZ!! SCREAM!! they gave me an MP3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they almost got me cried.. i mean.. i really didn't expect them to give me this as an present.. i always wanted so super badly for a MP3 as my discman is really antique.. it has been with me since secondary school days.. having been with me for 8 years plus.. though it's still functioning well, but the mafan thing is i can only hear a limited amount of songs at one time and it takes up space, esp when i have to use a small bag. Thus i really wanted a MP3 but as i was finanically tight i didn't want to splurge on buying a MP3 only until i got much stable income.. so tis present was a dream come true...

yes, though i'm 24 yrs old, my income is still not stable as i just started working full time 3 weeks ago..

I'm gonna start using it from tomorrow onwards..... really thanks a million gals for the presents.. =)

For the first time all 5 of us took pictures together :

Long live sotong family! My wish is that in the future, despite each other busyness, we wld always meet up whenever it's the birthday of the members.. Luv ya gals.. you all rockz!!

My bad emotions

My mood swings is getting from bad to worse.. i really had been too emotional to type my 2 previous entries.. i had assumed that my friends had neglected me when they didn't.. today lao san called & told me that they actually made arrangements for my birthday this coming sunday & she had heard about me getting so upset about itz.. so sorry gals..esp sweetie & lao san.. pardon me, i had been under too much stress recenlty.. i will try not to have such emotional outburst again..not to always have PMS..

Friends are a very important part in my life, realised life can't be normal without friends.. i can survive happily without guys but not without friends...
had lunch with a different group of colleagues today, the auntie that i normally haf lunch with left forgetting to ask me alongz..when the accountant that i assist realised that i'm eating lunch alone she asked me to join her.. phew.. so i went along with the group of accountants, an account assistant and my manager..stress.. along i went.. but as usual i was very quiet, only manage to talk a few sentences with the accountants & my manager.. i tried to find topic to chat, but.. my mind was in a blank & couldn't the right topic to startz, & there was an awkward silence when i walk beside the manager & she had to start the conversation first..
i got a serious problem here.. i always got this inferior feeling with people who are of higher position then me, to me, they are someone i respect & to learnt much from & thus unable to chat normally with them..but this can't go onz.. i got to change in this area.. I MUz Try!!

I just happen to see my ex friendster & wow.. i really got a shock!! he's a father..oh my gosh.. imagine my surprised, and his baby is so cuteeeeeeeeee & he's really fortunate to have a lovely & nice wife..though i don't know her but she gives me this feeling, she's nice & love him a lotz.. feel happy for the both of them.. it's been 3 yrs since i last contacted him, and oh my, how things have really change.. the 'ah beng' tt i once knew had become a father.. sad la, why is it that ex couples can never be friends, if not i can go see his kawaii baby girl.. it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo cute by the picture alone.. i wish him all the bestz..

the reason for living

I totally understand why people choses death as the option in life.. it feels terrible to have no true friends by your side.. no one understands how u feel deep inside..they think u are over-reacting or just being too sensitive..

Do u know how it feels to be in a incomplete family? Do u know how it feels when u haf no love one to believe in u? Do u know how it feels when there's no fren who can be by your side? Do you know how it feels when u haf to carry the whole financial burden by yourself? Do u know how it feels when nothing in life seems to be going right? Do you what i went through in life for these 23 years? If u have no idea.. then please do not judge me.. or self assume that u understand me..

That's why death is their option in life.. as their existence in life doesn't matter to anyone... If u love yr frens.. do all u can when they're down and pls be there when they need u the most..

If u care for your friend..don't try to change them, luv and accept them for their short comings, no one is perfect in life & neither are u.. In the midst of living yr own life, don fail to neglect the people u care about.. most of the time when they are down, they juz need a listening ear and when they face problems, the best thing u can do is to believe in them that they know how to overcome it & assuring them u are there.

Don't blame me if i begin to change.. it's tough being not appreciated for your actions at all... i don't wish to be taken for granted..

Rollercoaster kind of life

Decided to create my blog over herez.. friendster blog have limited storage & the old post can't be seen in that blog.. still in the midst of moving all the old entries over here..

Sometimes i wonder why my life can never be simple like most of the people in the crowd..it's tough when u have stand alone, facing the stress alone & just get on with life. There are something in life that friends can't always be there, or to rather say, friends can't be there available for me always.. they still have their own life to lead.

When problems plague me, no one can understand how i feel..coz they are not me.. feeling a lot this week.. esp this week.. maybe no one can understand why i value my own birthday so much.. for presents? No way.. my previous entries about the presents was just for fun. I do doubt my own existence at times, feeling that my existence seems to be of value to no one. So the purpose of birthday is so that my frens value me & make me feel that life is worth living after all.

I'm not trying to sound pathetic nor asking anyone to pity me.. coz i hate pple who ever take pity on me.

It's just that writing all these out makes me feel better...
Ever since i started working full time, life seems to take on a different cycle.. other then feeling the distance with my friends, life become much more stressful, can't really draw a close distance with my colleagues as i wld never know who are the reliable ones or those that are back stabbers.
Office life is much more stressful and interaction with people is dropped to the minimum.. unlike working in the restaurant, where almost everyday is fun & enjoyable,, i get to interact with my frens at work & with the customers as well.. if one were to ask me which i enjoy more..it is definently the latter.. Well, but i won't switch job as ultimately, i'm someone who doesn't settle for a simple life.. i would want to succeed in the future..
One of the reason in facing the problems alone is being focus on the positve.. last time no matter what i face, i would chose to distract my problems by being serious in my studies.. now the purpose of carrying on in life is my career.

Leading a single life ain't easy.. i have totally gave up the idea of getting attached & can't see myself getting attached in the future.. that's the kind of life, i wanna lead.. though it would not be easy but that's the path i have decided to take..no regrets.

Finally Graduated..

Dated: 11 Aug 06

Finally graduated after 2 and 1/2 years of striving and non- stop stress.. Guess the hardest time that i went through was the attachment period.This was the longest duration that i experienced working in a office life. Every morning, i would struggled waking up in the morning esp when i worked in grill the previous night. On the second week of attachment, i had wanted to quit attachment and repeat my modules in school instead, as i couldn't endure the treatment the senior i was under and not knowing anyone in the office back then, i would be sitting quietly in the corner when i ate lunch with them. I didn't make effort in chatting with them as i had the mentality that in their eyes, i was just only a trainee, they won't really treat me like the rest of the colleagues.
Life wasn't easy when bad things always happen to me, while my two other friends would be out with the auditors every week, i would be in the office, finding for things to do. While they would constantly be under good seniors, i would be with seniors that treated me differently.. There was this period i was under this senior auditor for one whole month, she would made me stay back in the client's place till 8 plus 9 pm, i could only leave when i had finished my job for the day and i couldn't claim any Overtime costs. Subconsciously, i couldn't take it and literally fall sick at least once every month.
I also had problems communicating with the rest of the colleagues even when i was in the company for more then 3 months.. Nevertheless, i really gained a lot of knowledge in auditing. From zero knowledge of auditing a company's account, i can say i become smarter throughout this 6 months.
As stated in my previous post, i had a hard time during the last 3 weeks of attachment, staying in the office everyday, was made to throw rubbish and shred paper.. there was this time i cried on being made to do such Sai Kang, coz i was the only trainee tt was given such task & after all i am a diploma student and was not dumb that i can't do auditing or make a lot of mistakes..but manage to sort out my thoughts after talking to my frens.
All these adds up when my fren encouraged me to stay in this Company to work full time as i can really gained a lot of experience and it would be a good start in this working life... i really think through a lot as i had to consider a lot of points before finding the courage to ask my manager whether i could stayed... but in the end, she said No as they currently have enough staff. I was disappointment and it adds up when my other frens being attached in the Big 4 audit firm had their manager to ask them to stay on after they graduated.. i kinda regret not making the decision to appeal to get into the Big 4.. after all, i know that certain school mates that i can said i was smarter then them or same level as me got into the Big 4.
But throughout going through all these probs had really make me think. Before starting my attachment, i am still quite like a kid, in school always slack ard and chose to stone and sleep often in lectures and surf net during tutorial.. only study seriously during exam study weeks.. But this attachment, had make me much more discipline, i was made often to think and use my brains as i can't afford to make any major mistakes. Also managed to look on the brighter side of life.. Problems are unavoidable, it's no use trying to run away, i had to face it & solve it even it requires tears & sorrows. In order to be successful in the future, i got to accept that hardship comes hand in hand with success.
In Singapore, it's really all about attaining to the highest level of study one can achieve and plus head knowledge alone is the key to success, one really has to have a good PR, social skills and also with lots of determination. I accidentally read through some of the resumes when i was made to shred papers.. some had Honors, and Bachelor but yet resorted to applying for a position of being an auditor assistant...
Nevertheless, i am glad i went through this attachment period and the ending had turned out great.. the colleagues giving us one present each and treating us to TCC for dinner.
This is really is one of my longest post so far: Really would take this time to appreciate and giving a million thanks to my following friends:
Shirley, Vivien and Lionel for being there to accompanied my boring moments during the first few weeks in the Company through sms & assuring that i have frens that cared.
Very grateful to Jingyin, my best fren and Royston, my fren of many years.. i had really shocked them countless times when they pick up my call, only to hear me crying on the other end.. they have their school & things to do, but yet they really make an effort to listen to me and giving me good advice.. Without the both of ya, i wonder what would happen to me when i was in the lowest pit of life..
Amanda,Li hao and Norin my frens whom i know at grill.. u gals made me look forward to working in grill when i had a bad morning in the office.. Whenever i hang around them, i never fail to laugh..They made me feel though there's a lot of probs, life is still worth living as there would be times that i would be really happy.
3 different group of frens really made me feel that though frens can never truly understand what u are going through nor take away the problems.. They are the reasons as to why i can survive till now and never to give up on life. Cause in Life there are the good and bad moments.. and my frens are the definition of good moments..
I wonder where would i be right now if there wasn't God and my friends..

Hoping for a better Tomorrow..

Dated: 1 August 2006


This morning, i kinda drag my feet to work, didn't really want to wake up thus slept till 7.15am before preparing for work. I simply dislike the feeling of having uncertaintly before me, not knowing what to happen next. Neverthless, i just have to constantly remind myself that to takes things as it is & react according to situation, taking one step at a time.
Things manage to turn out for the better.. time pass rather fast today, having being assigned by the manager to do some compilation for a particular client. So in a way, though things turn out rather bad, there's still some light of it, having to learn something new. 7 more working days.. hopefully things won't turn out as disaster like yesterday, i could only cross my finger and hope for the better.
I feel rather bad today too..couldn't bring myself to smile and talk normally to my attachment fren. I know for the very fact that it's not her fault & it's rather self-fish of me to do that, but i still can't get over it as in, it's like seeing someone just buying away what u had been saving up to buy & u had been wanting that particular thing for weeks. You was anticipating for weeks as u constantly save everyday and as days pass by, the exctiment grew but when the day came, someone just took it away before your very eyes. Okay, i know i sound very exagerating but the disappointment i felt was similar. I cant' treat her like normal so fast like as if nothing had happen.. Think i need time to cool down... hopefully she would understand. SO mean of me.. gonna apologise to her soonz.. It's hard to be nice & truely survive in this harsh world....
Crossing my hands and praying for a better tomorrow...

Sorted out my thoughts

Dated : 31 July 2006

Manage to sort out my thoughts... guess it's a change of attitude that really matters. I decide to see my problems from a different perspective. Instead of getting so upset & making a big fuss to my friends about what i go through. I got to accept the fact that Life is full of ups & downs, so if i were to be so affected by it every single time, life would then be miserable. If i were to look it from a positive side of view: Problems are a challenge of life & through it i can grow stronger. I decide to face life challenges with a postive attitude.. Gonna tell myself that i'm an overcomer!! Tomorrow will be a better day..afterall, other then him, seldom stuff & people can affect me more then a day. All these will make me want to achieve success & a good career even more.. i got to accept that success does comes with hardship.

What a Day..

Dated: 31 July 2006

What a day today has been for me. I had been looking forward to this week as i can go down to the client place with the senior to audit during my last two weeks of attachment, i simply hate staying in office as i have to be so constantly thick skin to find the manager for things to do, be it shredding of paper or filing or proof reading.When they have nothing for me to do, i have to go around asking for things to do so that i have time to charge my time sheet and time will pass faster.
Though at times going down to client place would mean more stress but it's better then to slack around and having nothing to do. I would feel useless when i have nothing to do. But didn't expect things to turn out for the worse. This morning when i realised that both my another attachment friend & me are doing the same client place, both of us were so excited and thus we were anticipating for the seniors to leave the office and travel down to the client place.
But... the senior auditor went up to me and say they don't need two trainee to go down, too much people.. after saying that sentence she then told my friend to be the one to go down. Damn it.. Which means i be jobless...which means i have to do what i hate to do. That moment i felt someone had just poured a pail of cold water on me, soaking and washing away all my happiness & excitment. I had an outburst,i felt so totally useless, it was as if the senior favoured my friend more then me.. not that my friend is not good but simply the outurn of event is not what i could accept.
i couldn't understand why is it always me who always get the sai kang, when my other attachment frens can get along well with the colleagues there, i couldn't. When they can go down client place, i would be staying in the office. when they would be under nice seniors,i would be under mean seniors. I wouldn't want this event to make this friendship to turn sour but somehow within me, i had really been jealous. I know i sounds childish.. but one have to be in my shoes to totally understand how i felt. I mean why does bad things ALWAYS have to happen to me?? When i was not chosen to go down to the client place, i felt damn low self esteem... it was as if i was dumb when i am not & my Ren Yuan was damn bad, being the fact that i am not those talkative or friendly type, and i am quite Bo chup, occupying myself with work most of the time.
Have u ever look forward to something with excitment but only to be disappointed badly.. I really had thought my life had change for the better but only to realise......... Thoughts of death did surround me, thoughts that since i am such a failure in life, no achievements, no looks, no smartness.. only have problems... Financial problems, family problems, work problems, no luck in relationship. If one were to feel that life sucks, tell me about it man and i would tell that person how my life can suck like hell. What to do, i have no wish to end my life as i don't wish to put to an end of the future i plan to achieve. Haiz... at the end of the day, life still has to go on wherether i like it or not. Since things has already become so bad, i could only hope that it would turn out for the better. Whoever stumble this post pls DO NOT take pity on me coz i hate it. The reason why i am writing all these is i need a column to release out all my frustrations...... Oh God, i am so weary, i could only hope that things would turn for the better.. I just wanna stay Happy.......

Standing at the crossroad

Dated : 17th July 2006

Few more weeks and my attachment gonna end soon. Right now i seems to be standing in the crossroad, deciding wherether shall i request to stay in this company, as it is a medium firm, by working there i can obtain relevant experience in achieving a better future. There's two options before me right now: To chose and request to stay in this current attachment company though it will be quite tough & sometimes because of it, i would get rather stress up and upset when things don't work out. Or simply to start finding a new job once my attachment finish, this will be risky as it would mean to wait up to few months to find a job and the company might be a small company, starting from scratch is not what i worry the most but the very fact that chances of achieving a greater job and prospect would be harder. Thinking.. just got to think.. My future is dependable on the choices i make and i can't make a haste decision.. Decision lies in my own hands.