Blogging decreases sadness

Feeling kind of down today..no exact reason..

Life in office has been kinda routine..the workload fluctuates..one minute can be busy that needs days to clear the load..the next day, would be so free that i have to ask around for things to do.
Though can really learnt a lot at times but certain task are just photostepping and finding documents and doing filing..at such times..i feel kinda useless..but well what to do, accounting also involves admin stuff.

When a mistake is make, u get a scolding, a black face.. making one feel sad that one have disappointed the person.
But when u done a great job, no pat on the back, no compliment..they just feel that it's your job.

Humans tend to remember faults more then achievements. Self-encouragment is essential in working life.That's a fact of life.

Hating the fact that my personality is in such a way that i can't tolerate fake people..so my natural reaction is to say a hi & bye..only making less then a minute conversation.. so in such a way, sadly i just can't click with anyone at work.
Friends told me to make an effort..but it's just not me.. i just can't tolerate in being fake..

Not all the colleagues are fake, there are some nice people but apparently i just can't click.. i did try talking when i went with a different group of colleagues..the nicer ones.. i tried to talk naturally, tried to engage in conversations but nothing came out of my mouth and my mind was in a blank..thinking of what to say...

It's just not me..

Those who know me well should know that i am not someone who is very quiet..
Apparently, i could only behave normally and words come out of my mouth smoothly only when the other person makes me feel comfortable..

Words alone can't describe my feelings...

There was this time, a lady working in a tax company came to do the tax for my workplace.. she was using the photostepping machine and naturally i started talking to her and we just talked for minutes and we click but too bad..she's from a different company..

There's this major problem with me..

Can't change the way i am...

Thus.. life can be miserable..all work and no talk makes me bored and everything so routine..
i am alright in eating lunch alone but when my colleague knew i ate alone.. they would give me this pity look.. in their mind, they must be thinking: "so poor thing"

i kinda chose to outcast myself because of this personality of mine.. so i got no one to blame but myself..

thus during the weekdays:

Cindy = Anti-social

Guess my best friend know this for a very fact... cause i always tell her i don't feel like going out after work..suppose to call her as she give me a missed call but.. i am in no mood to talk.. i would only drag her mood down & make her feel sian instead..

To Jingyin:
Sorry gal.. i do hope u are reading this.. i can't explain why i seldom contact u... not that i don't want to meet u but i just know that my mood is out of my own control that i would naturally put on a sian look when going out on week days and when at home after work, i become even more worse..my activities become watching tv and facing my computer..talking on the phone would only bored u even further..

Maybe i am just Weird??

no idea.. haiz.. don know what i want..

Feeling confused and sad right now..

If only u are here...

till now i have yet to find a friend who can be a good listener as u..giving me all the attention that i need.. giving encouragement that is truly sincere & worth listening about it.

Meanwhile, Life still goes on.. and to those are who reading this, don't worry about me, i be okay.
Circumstances make me grow stronger and i been through bad times, so thus concluding i be alright on my own.. i have my own ways in encouraging myself and going through bad patches of life.. afterall i am used to roller coaster kind of life.

Receive a bad news from Lao san, Meiqi, i placed my schedule to work at grill this friday and saturday..but apparently he didn't put me and on Mei qi persuades, i decide to try and write one more time to place my schedule next weekend but not hoping for anything..

I miss serving the customers.. i miss making them enjoying dining in the restaurant..seeing them happy makes me smile from the inside.. Western customers are the nicest..esp those old couples..their loveliness, their smile, their "thank U" makes me really happy and waitressing is the job that i love.. just that due to practical reason, i can't work there full time.. If only sam would know i am serious in going back to work.. i would cut down on having fun...

Hopefully i could go back.. if not.. well.. i shall find some activities to occupy myself.

Life still Goes On..

Every Monday morning, i would be like a walking zombie dragging my feet to work.. today, it was super badz..apparently, even when work starts, my zombie state just didn't go away. Brain was in Hybernation & kept falling asleep... thus every now and then i keep going to the toilet to shut my eyes for a while...tried all sorts of ways...keep popping sweets, spray energy water, eat snacks, shut eyes for a minute, walk around... all just doesn't help, the minute i stare at my computer...i would be back into my zombie state..so the whole morning, my efficiency was dropped to the minimum.. by the time, i manage to find the mood to work.. it was lunch time, thus i went to TTSH to buy some bread, have a fast one and went back to work..

Reach home at 9pm plus...though had a wasted morning.. at least it was covered up in the noon & during end of work, my manager asked me to rush some urgent stuff & i stayed...

Haiz.. just went to stare at myself at the mirror..haiz.. when i tried to smile to look at my braces.. i just couldn't tolerate the sight of my ugly smile... on the left and right side of my two front teeth got two super wide gap.. sianz.. if sam were to put me work this fri & sat.. i would be so conscious of smiling at the customers... i know that this is the process of braces.. but i can't imagine... what if the next appointment, my teeth shift in such a way that my two fronth teeth, one move left, the other move right...
Oh my gosh.. think i would die & be so super conscious that i would smile with my hands covered & refuse to laugh too muchz...

*crosses finger & hope it won't come to pass*




Sometimes obtaining a goal ain't difficult, it's just the process that makes it almost impossible to reach the end..Neverthless, it's during such times that one character get moulded up & appreciating Life.

This entry is about u

I still remember i met him at grill. Few days before while working at boat 2 with Chee Wee, he said that he would be bringing his guy friend to work & that he's a half jap..then i jokingly asked him..handsome or not...the rest of the conversation i can't remember...

On the day itself, i was working at boat 1 with dunno who.. then chee wee brought his friend down to boat 1 to send food to table 106 as both of them were runners.. when i went over to serve the food, chee wee then introduce me to his friend and said : "this is Auntie Cindy.." and obviously i reacted by saying him back.. haha.. and at that time..it was two strangers meeting up..we had turned from stranger into colleagues.

i will always remember that day...


Back then, i was crazier.. would talk loud loud, laugh loud loud & behave like a siao za bo.. much more talkative & entertaining.. have tone down a lot since..

I still remember asking him to teach me japanese.. more then once, when i walk pass by, i would ask him what's the japanese word for Teacher..back then it was really hard for remember it. now i know, it's called : sensei
The first japanese word i learnt was : Bakayado.. which means very dumb.. joey & me keep using it against one another..

Time pass.. People Change..

From that day onwards, he was a colleague teaching me japanese.. i told him that everytime he work, he have to teach me 2 new japanese words... Back then, most of the guys at work is just like my colleague, could talk well with everyone.. as back then,i had feelings for another colleague.
After a while..the teaching stops.. as i stopped asking him to teach me..for no reason..

I realised that we could really click when we took transport together after having supper together plus another gal.. she and me were quite close back then, he had feelings for tt fren of mine..

everyday our life is like a story.. taking on a new chapter.

That very night, i asked him wherether he got feelings for my fren.. he said yes & i told him about my feelings for that colleague.. coincidentally, both of whom we like are good friends. Other then talking about them, we begin to share about our families & realised we are similar in certain ways & from that day onwards, everytime he work till 12, we would take the company transport and sit in the last seat chatting about our lifes & abt the pple we like.. realising we could click so well & 'arh' so well.. i decide to call him as buddies..

Back then, i really treated u as a close buddy, it was just purely friendship.

From that very day onwards, lots of incidents happen.. both of us got ourself hurt emotionally by the person we have feelings for.

When he manage to get over her, he told me that he didn't treat me as his buddy so that he can get close to that girl but he sincerely treat me as his friend.. & both of us came up to the conclusion that, though life has been unfair to us, at least God let us know each other as buddies.. he's always encouraging & a good listener..

For no reason, i could feel that i can tell u anything & everything.

thought this friendship could last for years and longer but when the unexpected happen & we lost contact the moment u went NS, i had a breakdown..

not becoz of the feelings alone but simply because it was totally out of my expectation..not a single 1% would i think that it would turn out this way.. i would lose a friendship in this manner..

I have only expect that we would get to meet up once a month & contact only through sms..

after the call that i chatted with u on yr 2nd week of Bmt, i had realised our friendship have drifted..

i thought i was over sensitive..
but it wasn't so, after smsing and the letter, i knew my fears were confirmed..

I had to deal with the change.. but all that while, i had hope that there would be a chance that we would get to contact again & so i waited & waited for a hope..

When i saw u on msn, i was delighted..thus i took up all my courage and say "hi"..i was glad u replied..

When u asked will i forgive u..

I never blame u right from the start, it was more of a wait.. i was just waiting..so when i get to contact u again..i was over the sky..more then happy..

Right from the start i never blamed u at all


Those 6 months of friendship were sweet, i was so glad i could have a guy good friend but sadly as we humans are emotional, i couldn't stop myself from liking nice guys..

From the bottom of my heart, i really wish we could be as close as before.. but i know, it's impossible..things are different and i don't want to be so naive..

By staying contact once in a while.. even if it means, contact decrease to once a few months, that's enough. I just don't wish to have total lost of contact.. i lose it once & i felt lost...

Those 6 months of friendship symbolises a rainbow; It added colours to my dull life..knowing that nice, sincere and real people still exist..not all guys only befriends pretty gals.

and like A Rainbow it lasted for a while but it has been once there & i'm forever thankful it once existed..

It's been 6 months since i last seen u..when would be the next time?

If this lifetime, i don't have the fate to see u again..
I'm glad there's this precious gift that u gave & it's called, Memories.

If we get to meet up..that would be the best.

I never believe in fate but this time round, i could only give in... believing that "ruo you yuan, wo meng yi ding hui zai xiang jian"

I wish u happiness..
and may u find the gal who can be your true happiness.

from far, hearing good news about u.. would bring me a smile.

I wish u success..
Hopefully, when both of us achieve our dreams.. we can meet up over for a cup of coffee & catching up old times..

No one knows what would happen in the future..i leave it to God..

God Bless..

Shopping..

Went down to Vivo city this afternoon with lihao and amanda, yup, today is the opening of Vivo city- known to be the biggest shopping centre in Singapore. ( to know more about Vivo City : http://www.vivocity.com.sg/ ) Ever since the news reported about building this shopping mall, i had been looking forward to its opening.. as this means MOre ShoPPING! I heard on the radio station that today is the opening and it has a few boutiques that are only found overseas.. this means the clothings are from overseas.. this saves us the trouble from shopping overseas and online shopping.. I believe this is the paradise for shopaholics..

and oh mine.. it's large.. lots of stores, only 60 % are open..the rest are due to open latest by Dec 31. We took 1 hour to shop finish the first level, went up to the second level.. shop a bit but as amanda & lihao have to work, we went to the food court to have our dinner, so thus didn't have a chance to walk inside all the shops..
but we wld be back and this time with a camera to take pictures... not to take the shops but the scenery.... And wow.. just outside the entrance of Vivo city, it faces the sea..facing the entrance of sentosa.. and when we turn back, we realised that the structure of Vivo city is like a cruise and it was as if we were overseas.,the scenery was beautiful & relaxing.. but haizZ..the haze spoilt everything.. making the scenery blurred and after a while, the 3 of us did not feel well.. lihao & amanda was kinda dizzy and i have a bad headache.. hope the haze would stop.. just watch the news and realised that people's health esp people with asthma and the other shopping malls sales have decreased..

Had a bad start this morning.. i overslept and woke up at 6.45am..i jumped up from my bed and quickly rush to bathe, change and style my hair.. i got to get everything ready and left the house by 7.15.. and thus i rushed up.. while on the way to the bus stop i realised that the songs that i have saved in my MP3 the previous night couldn't play.. and i have to tune in to the radio station instead and i was like literally sleep walking to work, was really so stoneded. Things didn't turn out well at work, as i couldn't remember where i took certain documents from, i asked one of the auntie colleague who was in charge of the documents.. she raised her voice at me.. haiz.. but i didn't allow it to get it into me, i just continue doing my own work.. afterall, i can't possibly sit down there cry and dwell into depression about how miserable my life is..
Life is always full of up and down for me.. so well, i have learnt to take it in my stride.. the attachment life was much more worse and i survived, so well..

LIfe StiLL Goes On...

Haiz.. realised that though i can say that i have quite a certain number of friends but most of them, either i'm not close enough or not those that i would hang out during weekends.. their weekends are probably reserved for their closer frens or bf..
Glad that i still have friends that i knew at clarke quay to jio to go out on weekends.. if not i would be a couch potato at home, having all the cobsweb around me..
Gonna go back grill to work in 2 weeks time.. hopefully sam wld put my schedule.. then i need not worry abt having no activities during the weekends...

My kind of life

went to bishan today after work, had make an appointment to do manicure.. so meanwhile as i was waiting for the time to pass, i went around shopping for formal clothes & i saw a top that i immediately have Love at first sight for.. i immediately decide to get it.. though i wld be getting the top home on tues, they only have 2 pieces per size & colour & not only do i not to get the top, my manicure was postphoned to tues too. Simply becoz, i'm such a blur queen, didn't know i have to specify on the phone that i wanted nail arts and not just plain coloured nails.. so have to make an appointment again. Though it was a waste of bus fare, going back to bishan was a different feeling, it reminds me of the ITE times.

Anyway,shopping & doing manicure is a good way to release stress, enjoy life and loving yourself more..

I totally believe in loving myself, single woman like me shall love myself more each day. I totally believe and want to live up to the example that woman can survive happily without guys. So i luv indulging in good stuff.. like doing mani & pedi cure, SHOPPING, spa and more to come.. in the midst of a stressful life, one really got to live life to the fullest.

Went out wif my polyclassmates yesterday to have our dinner at Pizza hut..now that all of us have graduated, it's really hard to meet up but we will always make it a point to meet up for one another birthday every year.. and yup, they met me yesterday for the celebration of my B'day, a belated one. We left around 9 plus and decide to go home early as some of us have work the next day. While at the mrt station, they pass me my birthday present.. it was a Capitaland shopping vouchers! i was super delighted..though they have decided not to give me anything.. i got what i wished for..so sweet of them. It's been 1 month plus since we graduated, but all of us have really progressed on.. 1 of them is a property agent, 1 is an auditor executive and one is a mum to be.. the previous two gave out their name cards during dinner & it was a feeling that all of us have move on.. from students who skipped lectures, having fun, doing projects.. to talking about our work and hearing about the feelings and experienced of a mum to be.. our topic have changed drastically. So interesting.. guess in a few years time, our gathering would be at hotels, meeting up to drink high tea..

The process of life is so interesting..

Anti-social

wanted to blog yesterday but in the end, for no reason, i felt sooooooo super tired that i slept at 10pm.. scary me..it's been centuries that i last slept so early. If that were to happen everyday, i would be a working freak with no life..working every morning, reach home in the evening around 7plus, bathe, watch tv for around 2 hrs and then go sleep.. and it won't be long i would star wearing knee length skirt, those high cut type, with long sleeves blouse, skirt would be pulled up till my belly button and blouse would be tuck in with those curly curly hair and a black specs. Hmm... if only i have the photoshot thing, i would have created an image of it....

During the weekdays, i have kinda turn anti-social, there's improvement at work, given the fact that communication with the colleagues are getting better & yup, always got food to eat, when the staff last day, they would buy cakes and snacks & the standard is very good not those anyhow buy from some ulu pandan places.. just received a packet of sweets from an accountant, her last day today and it's not those cheapskate kind:



well, though it's not super high class, but it got my favourite Nuggat!!!!!!!!
Haha..i'm gonna keep all these stuff to bring to work, i eat to stay awake in office, one of these days, i'm gonna take a picture of what's at my sitting place.. so in a way, haiz.. my non-stop eating has make me fat...
Had decided that going to the gym is a must, i asked my cousin about it and she's alright with it as she normally goes to her workplace gym..opps and because of me, she have to switch location.. gonna do my routine gym workout from next week onwards without fail...



Anyway, i have really become anti social in a way, don't really like to go out after work, i would rather go home then to hang out with friends and choses to stay in my workplace after work to finish my stuff then to go out.. i'm not saying it with a complain mentality but more of feeling that it's just me...afterall, i have enough of fun before starting work. I still love fun, i still love my friends but just that such things will happen in the weekends.. if my friends call me out last min during a week day after work, they would see a mega sian me..

I would rather chose to shop & do things myself after work..just like today, i went to buy a "crystal" like ring today after work, not that i'm splurging my money.. kinda tight too but buying that ring is a must.. the previous ring that i have is spoilt and no longer in a wearable state. I tried surviving without the ring for 2 days & i feel awkward..like something missing..The auntie selling the ring make a amusing statement, while i was trying on the different rings, as some were either too big or too small and as i was trying on, she commented that in air-con environment, our fingers tend to contract and thus the ring might be too big..
i was like "-_ -, okay, i know there's contraction when in a colder environment but it won't be so drastic as to distort the actual size of rings that suit each individual.. if that is ever the case, all jewellery shop can move their stores outdoor..

stop interrupting my life

Initially, when i started blogging on friendster, i wanted to just release my frustration somewhere without disturbing my friends.. so i decided to blog and it didn't matters wherether would there be anyone reading it ornot but as times passed and as i entered more entries, my friends commented & apparently it felt good that someone cares but now that i switch my blog to Blogger, my comments part is sooooo empty except for 2. Anyway, i decided that such matters should not affect me and i shall continue to blog as usual like any normal being on earth, well afterall i'm not Xia Xue, so it's obvious my blog is not viewed by strangers.. so well.. hack care la.. the best is no one read at all then i can just type freely on anybody without fearing that i would offend anyone ornot...

Wonder why some people like to change people the way think they should.. i mean everyone in life has their own freedom to decide their OWN life and do what they feel suit them the most..

Ever since i started working as an account assistant in National Healthcare Group, i have friends that said :

"hey, u are a diploma student, why u go find a Temp job, pay is so pathetic.. u r pulling down the market rate, think u go find audit line kind of job or those that pays well"

"think you should go find an audit job"

" Are u an accountant? (duh, with a diploma, i can't be an accountant).

Me:account assistant

the person:"at least it's better then nothing to do"

I meant no offence..

The person who said the 1st statement is a friend who knows me realtively well, the person is smart & is working right now in a well known firm.. but..

i know u all meant well for me and maybe u meant no harm when U said that. but hey..there's a chinese saying that says "Shou zhe wu yi, ting zhe you xing"..i get hurt when U all said that.. i mean as friends, instead of saying that,u all can wish me all the best or ask me about the job scope and not to make comments about it..

I'm not trying to be problematic, thinking that no one can give me advice & knowing what to do in all situations. There are only so far 2 person whom i listen to.. one is my Best friend, Jingyin..she knows me for 6 years..so to a certain degree, she knows me well enough to know what's best for me, afterall she's the one who advised me to go into Accountancy back in ITE, if not, i won't be here working in this position..

2ndly.. it used to be my buddy.. yep, though he's younger but when it comes to problems, he gives quite good advice.. that was in the past.. now that our friendship has drifted.. i can't comment on it using present tense.

Other then the 2 person, I know myself well enough to decide what i can take, true, i was a bit indecisive wherether i should take up this job when i went to the agency, cause it's a temp job, it's pay is below the market rate for a diploma student and i have to make a decision on the spot. I did take into consideration the pay, it being a temp job and i had other job offers being a full time job.. but i took up this up because it is a well known Company being a group that is in charge of quite a few hospitals accounts, i can learnt a lot from there and i have to start from the basic.. if i were to take on a higher pay, i might not be able to take it, cause i can't take office life and i'm quite a slacker.. I know myself well enough and if ever i have to regret, it's my own fault then.. i have no one else to blame but myself..

So well.. if only everyone would mind their own business, how perfect would this world be..

Though it seems we have drifted apart, u will always remain as an important person in my Life...i would never want to lose contact forever..coz i juz want to know how's yr life going & I'm satisfied enough to know that u r happy & successful.