Sustained by His Grace, Carried by His Strength..





In Life, we gain some, we lose some..

School begins again next week, and one of the module has not been confirmed due to lack of vacancy and could only wait for further notice. Thus it's only 1 week once of lesson commencing this Thursday..

Have been planning my schedule and i am glad everything fell into place.. Other than my full time work, my schedule will be as follows:

Monday: PT work

Tuesday: PT work

Wed: PT work

Thurs: Lessons

Fri: CG

Sat: PT work

Sun: Service & fellowshipping.. In Aug, will be re-commencement of my sign lanuguage courses

Sounds like i am back to my "no Life-ness".. but oh well, it's just a short-term plan in order to facilitate my long term plan..

Was thinking through, since i am back to my single life, i can do what a single can do... and that is..

Getting out of Singapore!!

Since last year, when my friend shows me about applying a Holiday Maker Visa in UK.. had researched about it halfway and gave up the idea when i got attached and now that it's over.

http://www.ukvisas.gov.uk/en/howtoapply/infs/inf15workingholidaymakers

Was thinking about the idea againz..

One only get to live life once and i am young once only... don't wish to grow old in S'pore without stepping out into another country and having a life time experience..

In UK, i can go work part time at what i do best.. Waitressing..overseas rate per hour is rather high.. and subject to research more abt the pass, i can continue studying ACCA over there..

Two major points to consider though, my Family and the high cost of living over there.. being the exchange Rate from Sing is almost Triple..

Thus meanwhile, i shall work hard and save up for future plans and if eventually i won't be going to UK, i can pamper myself to go overseas for holiday..

Have never tried to go on holiday myself before.. don be mistaken that i am making myself sounds so pitiful.. simply because going alone is free & easy, it's harder to go with a grp of frens making sure everyone time table fits.. and i can have time for myself, to love & pamper myself and can plan for future better plans based on the experiences and be more knowledgeable and most imptly even if it is a single trip, it's not a lonely trip simply because of Him.

In regards to the break-up.. i have decided to move on..

Previously how i handled heartaches was to stay on the same spot,pitying myself,getting all Emo as reflected in all my previous entries esp the very first post.. Staying on the same spot means living in a self-denial life, wishing & naively thinking that waiting on the spot will bring the pasts back.. when it was all just but a self-built fantasy..

Moving on means to me, even if tears may drop, even if the heart still aches.. life still goes on..a balance life that is.. and not numbing the pain by working non-stop as i previously did by burying my face with tons of work.. it means continuing with pursing your dreams and cherishing your family and fellowshipping with friends and not running into a cave asking for attention all the time..

I move on with the pain knowing that Agape Love & Time heals and it will..

Though the time spend together was for a period, i am still glad in my journey of life, u had been a part of it..if time were to be back to 12 Feb 2008, i will still exchange the number with u..every words expressed are sincerity out of my heart,i am bad at expressing in speech and thus can only let u know my deepest of thoughts for the past 2 weeks.. for Memories are precious & i will always remember the words of encouragement & advices u gave,the prayers u prayed & from a positive viewpoint, it makes me realised the part of me that needed a change tt only God can bring.. hope we individually will move on not with bitterness in our hearts but with gladness hoping the best for each other. That should be our Godly attitude isn't it..

I know it seems silly to type it out on the blog for everyone to see and how i wish i could lock just this particular entry to everyone except for u to view..

Here's a wish for U:

-> To achieve & continually pursue your dreams & goal..the vision that He gave to u..

-> To be happy and stress-less everyday of your life..

-> God's Joy, Peace & Protection will always be by your side & your family..

-> To find the special one who u truely love and walk with u for the rest of your life and i sincerely mean it..

-> To find that special someone who shares the same passion, vision and dreams with u..

-> and that u likewise will wish for me the same prayers..

-> Months or Years down the road, when we bump into one another, don't ignore me & we still can be friends.

for the 2nd important person in my life, i wish the same wishes for u:

Yi Ding Yao, Bi Wo Shuang Bei, Kuai Le, Bi Wo Xing Fu..

God Bless..

As of 12 June'08...my relationship of 4 months have ended...

No one's to blame.. it ended because of differences & 1 similarity..

the similarity is because in this relationship, it started because both of us were looking for companionship rather then commitment...

Yupz, have to admit that i have this fact in me.. i can stay truely committed to christiantiy, to work and studies but in relationship.. guess it's due to past hurts that i feel that there's no security in a BGR relationship..



Christians or non-christians couples still are prone to break-ups... Humans are generally not perfect and they do fail at times..

But Kudos to those who are truely commited to all who are truely in love..

i Know my God never fails..

in terms of work.. it might ended up being retrenched or the job have no space for further improvement.. but the solution is easy, as long as u are able and have the relevant knowledge & flexible, it's easy to find another job.

In Terms of Studies, i know as long as i study hard enough.. it's just a matter of time that i can obtain my degree.

But relationship.. it takes both hands to clap.. it seems easy on the surface..

Boy Meets Girl

BOy & Girl have chemistry

BOy & Girl become frens

Boy & Girl consider each other

Boy & Girl are in Love...

and they stay happily forever after..

Don't it remind u of a fairytale story..

In reality.. there are many intangible factors to consider..

Are u able to accept the other party flaws? Though not about approving it..
For eg: If she has a temper problem, one don't approve of her doings but about being there to help her out, encourage her to minimise the temper problem..

Common Interests & goals are important too.. He likes games, he's more on the intelletual side with a interest in politics..
As for me, I am more of the workaholic kind, who conversation does not stray too far from work.. i enjoy talking about restaurants, food and daily life events & etc.. shall not elaborate further..

Common friends.. Singapore is a small country, spending time as a couple is always either watching movie, exploring the restaurants in S'pore or end up @ each other house, slacking away. Where there is common frens, hanging out together at a shopping centre becomes more enjoyable then he watching her shop & he looks bored & is obliged to carry her shopping bags.. Hanging out a cafe or at frens house, chatting away or playing games away makes life enjoyable.. For the More the Merrier..

Companionship vs Commitment

Companionship is more about finding some one to spend your time with when you are free and wanted a break away from Work & studies.. it's the ME factor that's at work..Humans enjoy company..someone to talk & laugh with & share your troubles & happiness with... Read the Harvest Times where Pst Kong shares about finding the Right partner, in one paragraph he wrote abt companionship: Companionship is not a true relationship, for if u need companionship, having a dog will be sufficient enough..

Commitment is abt the WE factor.. it's about looking about for each other.. someone who will stay commited to u always..It's about making the other party Happiness a major priority in life, it do consists of companionship but it highlights more other important factor.. When the person u love is happy & successful, u delights in it.. Loving the person for who he or she truely is, taking time to truly understand the other party and not about placing your criteria of a "Perfect Partner" and ensure him to be in equality.

All this is just a summary of my thoughts of entering the 2nd relationship and ending it.

Thus, from now till then.. i got to learn to be able to step into the Commitment Factor..

Became more Positive after experiencing an extreme Negative Process:

A break-up for whatever reasons, is nonetheless a painful process.. when he first broke the news, seriously i wasn't alright, no matter how rational the reason is..it became an excuse to me.. Could not sleep the whole of Thurs night, came to work yesterday hoping to be strong and not letting my emotions grow weak.. it was successful for the half day, i talked happily to my colleagues, laughing away as i was suppressing my pain, pretending everything was alrightz when it was not..

After lunch, i could not endure it anymore..memories flooded my mind & realised how much i love him and didn't want him to be out of my life.. thinking of the fact that i lost him as a bf was tormenting and i called my cousin crying out for help..
Went home while tearing on the bus, the familiar feeling of lost & helpness all over once again filled through my mind, didn't understood why this had to happen, why i have to go through feeling the loss of someone important again.. I cried & cried & cried and for the 1st time in my life, i cried till i lost control of all rationality..mind was totally blank & anything could have happen..thus called my cousin with my last bit of strength.. i must have scared her though, with that type of lost control crying.. Thinking back, for the 1st time, i felt so totally weak & helplessness... Didn't know what to do and missing him i called him to meet up in the middle of the night...

We met, my rationality had came back.. we chatted and discuss about the problems that we face and the different opinion of solution.. i wanted to patch back, he wanted to be back as frens first.. i wasn't willing to compromise until i realised:

If u love someone,you want him to be Happy
If u love someone, let him go,
If he comes back to u, he's yours..
But if he don't.. then it was never to be mine in the first place..

Don't the phrase sounds all too familiar.. sounds like a typical passage u read from dramas.. but didn't expect i have to apply this principle in real life.

In this relationship, due to differences, it has causes him much stress & i always knew he wasn't truely happy when we were together for the 2nd month but back then i didn't want to confront it as i didn't want to affect my upcoming exams and had thought we could settle it after my exams..

But after yesterday chat.. realised the Commitment factor and we both would be happier as friends.. as to where this will lead us into the future.. we are unsure.. we might fall for someone new or we might fall in love again..

Nonetheless, it's all back to friendship and we chatted happily as he accompanied me for supper..
somehow, we felt more free & happy...

I am complicated while his thoughts are encrypted...

That which not Break Us, Mould Us...

Thus, as for now, it's back to my life again, where for the next half of the year, this is what i want to achieve:

1. Concentrate on my Studies & change my study methods: To read notes b4 lecture, concentrate during lecture n not attending it expecting it end fast.. and to return home to write down notes.

2. Work wise.. Full time: will strive to excel excellence in it.

will take up a part-time job to have sufficient income to buy my stuffs.. depends on my lecture schedule & this time round, it will not take up my cg meeting day..

3. Ministry.. It's back to my sign language!! will use my part-time income to pay for my continual of sign language courses @ Singapore Association for the Deaf where i can blog out & post out higher level certs. Hope the courses doesn't conflict with my Church Service, Cg & Lecture though.. To Spend more time with my cg also..

4. Miscellaneous... with some free up time after the above.. will hope to log Straits Time Online to know what's going on in the world, at the same time to build up my further knowledge.. also to save up & buy my desired SONY VAIO laptop and PSP..

Yupz, these are the majors commitment that i hope to achieve by His Grace & Wisdom.. and hoping all of it will be a reality...

Thanks to: Sabrina, Louisa, Joyce, Christine, Sharon for the prayer and encouragement.. i will stand strong..

That's the Cyndiz that He have Created...

Simply Becoz each time i fall, i will stand up stronger..

Each tear i drop became a future strength..

Two thing to take note though:

For the next 3 months, i can't join any invitation to K Box cause i don't wish to put myself in fragility..unless u want to provide me a Tissue box & let me become an unnecessary attention..

and don't ever say: "i told you so.."

Happiness comes when it's not about what you gain, but knowing that the people you care for is Happy.








This phrase came into my thoughts when i went to view his friendster and realised he's overseas and @ his desired course of studies pursuing his dreams..





A smile came naturally when viewing it..


i pray for you to have the happiness for ever & everz..


Not hoping for any misunderstanding by my Dearie neither by the viewers, coz i know it's a concern for a friend more than anything else..





A friend whom i once cherish and still care for the most.. even it mean knowing of his success & life thru a third source.. it just didn't matter as long as i know he's doing greatz..





I wish you success & obtaining the dreams you set for yourself.. cause i know you will achieve..tt's what i know of u.





Gonna meet my Dearie for movie later, planning to watch Forbidden Kingdom:

When i read the plot:

An American teenager obsessed with martial arts makes an exciting discovery in a pawnshop in Chinatown. It appears to be the legendary stick weapon of the Monkey King, the infamous Chinese sage and warrior. He is transported back into time to Ancient China where he meets a band of martial arts warriors and joins them on their journey to save an imprisoned Monkey King (Jet Li).

Sounds chessy arhz? That's what my Dearie said and i can't agree more.. so what makes us wanna watch the show??

It's the actors involved, this is the first movie of the collaboration of two famous Action Actors, Jackie Chan & Jet Li..

Jet Li was my childhood "idol"... seriously love his Huang Fei Hong series of movies.. even when every time during the Public Holidays, channel 8 will screen for the umpteen times of his movie, i will still stayed glued to the tv..

As for Jackie Chan.. all i can say is, he's good in his fighting esp he always make it a point to have no substitutes..

So well.. shall post my comments about the movie in my next entry...

Some pictures to share regarding Happiness.. May it spread with the wind to all my friends:

This is good, focus on the last line... what an opportunity cost : Every 60secs you spend being upset, is a minute of Happiness you never get back.

Thus to say, instead of wasting our time getting upset by the moment,

why not spend it happily for the rest of our lives..

easy to say one might mentioned..

but didn't our life experiences make us stronger

and take a minute to ponder,

tt experience which did not break you

have mould u causing you to gain an additional strength..

looking back, u will Smilez cause you have overcome this hurdle..

It's by experiences that i can say all this..i might still have a long way to go, to come up with a conclusion of pure happiness, neverthless i wish to bring Happiness along side like a best friend..

I am still trying so to those who feel happiness is a far fetched dream, do try along with me to pursue our individual of pure Happiness..

To me.. true Happiness comes when i have God with me..

My world once came crashing down on me..it didn't crush me cause HE held it up and place friends that stood alongside & held it up..

I am always thankful for the friendship, friends like Royston who constant encouragement & prayer have held me up whenever i fell..

and once again to him too, for the encouragements..up till now i still practice what u mentionedz.. "if i feel changes r for the better,go ahead & change.." "That which not break us,mould us" and "u never try, u never know".

To the above mentioned two: "All of us had our bad moments in life, we fell badly and went thru life with perserverance.. and it was all worth it.."

Royston for finding his other half to walk along side with & doing great in his studies & dreams..

to the 2nd: it's all mentioned above..

Thankful for my cousin Sabrina, for her prayers, her help and never gave up on me attitude..

Thankful for friends that makes me smilez.. Shirley, Vivien & Mei Qi,Maggie,Auntie Mary(being the Sotong family).. My frens from Grill: Norin,Amanda & Lihao..

I might not be someone with lots of friends instead of getting upset,i will be contented with what i have..

I came thus far with their helps & thus i Trust HiM that for the next yearsss of my life, HE will still constantly guide me and placing people,new friends, alongside to run this race together..and Dearie i pray you be one of them too..

17 April 2008- Happy 2th Month Anniverdary Dearie!!!



Today is our 2nd month of being together..



Juz wanna let you know that since the moment we met, i never felt more blessed..



Though each of us are busy with own individual commitments.. i treasure every date..



regarding the incident yesterday.. the following song was playing in my mind..



" My heart is filled with so much love

And i need someone i can call my own

To fall in love- that's what everyone dreaming of

I hold this feeling oh so strong

Life is too short to live alone

Without someone to call my own

I will care for you,you will care for me

Our love will live forever





Shower me with your love

Shower me with the love i long for

Shower me with your love

Shower me with the love i been waiting for



I close my eyes and pray all my wishes come true

every night i go to sleep

Until u are mine,i wait for you endlessly

Can't u see,

Fairy tales they do sometimes come true

If you believe, it could happen to you

Like the stars that shine up in the sky

Our love will live forever..



Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love i long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love i been waiting for



Like the stars that shine up in the sky

Our love will live forever

Live forever



Shower me with your love

Shower me with the love i long for

Shower me with your love

Shower me with the love i been waiting for



Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love i been waiting for





May God be the centre of this relationship and May He blessed this relationship cause you are the one that i wish to hold hand in hand till we grow old together...



I remember every details of the conversation we had on 17 Feb'08.. cause that day mark the start of a word called Love...

While waiting to meet zh later for dinner @ 8.30..decide to blog for a while to utilise my time..

When boss left the office, guess he's wondering why i so hardworking today @ 7pm still at office when usually due to my lessons & going home to study, i always leave work ard 6plus much earlier then them.

But basically by 7pm..i had allowed my brain to be in a stand-by mode so when he tried talking about work affairs.. i was like : "Huh"..

Work competence simply had dropped by 70% at that moment.. if he decide to leave @ 8pm, he wld be practically talking to a walking zombie..

Met up with zh on Monday and went to his house to meet his mum for the 1st time..

Wanted to buy pure bird nest simply to impress but due to tight budget only settled down for a small box of display choclates..

Was really nervous and shy when i reach his home and offered my help to help her serve out the dish and wash it afterwards but was told i need not to..

Didn't really chatted much as apparently i felt so totally awkwardz..

The next day asked for his mum's conclusion abt me:

"Look fierce & ...."

Hmm.. fierce.. maybe due to my blue contacts and dark eye liner and my uptightness..

Seems i didn't score point...

So now planning and thinking of ways to win her favour.. any Suggestions??

Have noted down frm zh while thinking of what to purchase on Mon abt his Mum's liking:

1. Hazelnut choclates (shall learn to make it or buy some pretigious delicious kind the next meeting)

2. Chiffon cakes..(did not take note of which flavour though.. just downloaded some recipe)

3. Ice-Cream (wasn't given the details)

4. She don't take those pre mixed bird nest with rock sugar..

Notes taken.. next visit i shall be the most friendly i can be.. being natural and not fake, hoping to win her favour by sincerity..

All done simply because i don't wish to add on to her worries abt worrying for her son whom his gf she does not know well/have not a good impression..

*Jia You!*

Love is not abt self-centredness.. definently not abt what i can receive but it's all what i can be and give to the person i love.. Love is giving..

"You can give without loving but u can't love without giving"

Met up with Sweetie on Sun evening to celebrate her birthday..

Welcome into the 20s age sweetie!! though i know you are gonna say u can never catch up with me..

Went to her favourite Chong Qing steamboat..her all time favourite and the best way to make her gain fats.. kekez.. tt's what i told her..

Afterwards we went off to the Merlion park for her to unwrap her present..took pictures..hope to upload them after vivien send it.

One of the passer-by whom help us took picture ask which country we were from..

i wanted to say i am "ABC- American Born Chinese" and wait for her expression..

Phew.. half an hour more to go and my brain is basically hurting due to the non-stop staring of the computer screen since 10am..

Tmr got to get back to discipline to waking up early to study and all abt studying till 1st week of June.. this sun noon have to go for tutorial.. really missed talking to my cousin and members..

To E375 members if u happen to drop by: " I miss you gals... really miss talking to you all"

Gonna log off before i start typing non- understandable sentences..

Summary of the week:

Met up with zh on Wed to celebrate his birhtday in advance due to having lessons on his actual B'day.

Gave him 2 choices to dine at, one was at Sembawang at a Yatch Club restaurant with sea view & another at Tanjong Pagar an italian restaurant..

And he chooses the latter... Name of Restaurant: Pasta Brava..

First Impression: Nice Ambience.. it's a family own business, the Boss himself and his son serves the customers themselves along with proper trained waiters..

Was really impressed with the decrorations and the majority of their customers are mostly foreigners..

Overall, the food was greatz making us leave the place with great satisfaction and a hole in the pocket.. as the total bill adds up to 3 digits..

Neverthless it's all worth it as it's once a year..couldn't afford to treat him though..

Pictures of Food: (to be uploaded another time)


We then proceed to his house area to accompany him till 12am and afterwhich i took a cab home..

From the day we met till your birthday..it's a total of 53 days and still counting..

No photos of him as according to him, he's public shy..don't want people to know how he looks like..like real.. so could only store all the pictures we took in my hp..

Watched the 3 Kingdoms..initially i was all critical abt watching chinese movie in cinema but neverthless this shows wasn't a thumb down.. overall, still watchable.. enjoyed the battle scene and the main Lead, Zhao Zhilong.. one of the five general in the dynasty.. based on the chinese novel.

No BGR love in this movie but a lot of emphasis of the love for their nation, a different sense of touching scenes seeing how the generals are willing to lay down their life for the battlefield with a aim to fight for the victory for their clan.

Battlefields are cruel..seeing how lives can be killed by ten thousands in a minute...

Next movie that i plan to watch is the Bucket List.. though chances r high tt i might miss it due to his busyness and my time schedule filled up with work and studies..

Exams coming soonz... though it's 2 months away.. due to work commitment and won't be able to take a long study break.. really got to grab every minute after work to study and study.. can't proscratinate any longer.

Proscratination is a high cost to pay.. given that insufficient time for studying gives me no choice but to quit my sign languages..

gonna rejoin it next June and to have a better time management.

Wish:

~ negatism have to go in order to truly cherish what i am given...


5 April..it's been another yr since we last met..

Does one mood affects one's health.

Suppose to go for Louisa's GrandMother wake, arrange to meet up with some members but got to cancel it as a sudden giddy spell is affecting me..feeling rather weak & sudden depress right now..

Hope there is someone to lend me a shoulder right nw..

as for my bf,he's busy with work and it would makes me feel bad to bother him..

Feel so alone..

Below are my much earlier entry:


A penny for my Thoughts:



When i feel that there's no one to truely understand how i feel, am i expecting that individual to agree with me so that i can feel better?


Seriously.. i do wonder...

Still facing the same struggle for years.. time & time again, i seems to make all sorts of excuses to run away from the problem.. making myself busy so as to give a good excuse in not solving it.

It's simply all about trying & trying.. but sometimes.. trying sounds easy as spelling it but when the actual work has to be done...


If i don't try.. it's all about staying in my own comfort zone, it brings no harm to myself or others just that i be in the same circle and facing the same struggle..

Does the past and environment affect the way a person behave no matter how he or she try to change??

For years.. my life is all about work & studies burying my own face with it- an anti-social activity, that when it's time to step out of my own world and relating to people and trying to blend in.. to majority, it's seems no difficulty and who on earth enjoy being different??

Just ask the kid sitting on the bench who is outcast from his class.
Or the passer-by that have tried to slim down for years due to the pressure of society.
Orphans or sick kids born in 3rd world countries..
People who have handicapped abilities..
or simply women who are just not pretty in this world of reality.

Different...

If everyone are sociable.. are good looking..,fun loving are attractive, loving are smart are rich are with good EQ and etc..

This is not an Emo post neither an entry where i dwell in self-pity..

It's just one of those category that pass through my thoughts..

Only conclude all that i mention does not give me an excuse to stay the same.. hiding comfortably in the four walls surrounding me.

It's all about trying all over again.. Ain't iT?

To have a Spirit of Perserverance, a Spirit of Determination and being Optimistic in all..

*Jia You, Jia You!!*

For all i know, my future entry would be about overcoming my struggles..

Wishing all happiness..


Some update on my life:

I just got a disasterous hair-cut which begins with the thought of having back my fringe on Sunday..

The usual stubborn-want-things-on-the-spot-means-must-have-it-right-now of thinking.
Thus after my lessons, went to the auntie salon at my house down stairs and paid $5 for a fringe that is too long and out of shape.. thus on Monday itself, before meeting ZH(Short form for my bf name).. i hastily walk in to any salon @ Central- naively thinking that salons @ Central shld be of a certain class & hairdressers shld be of good standard...

Guess what...

It was on the Contrary.. my fringe became the opposite..too short.. and he snapped off i mean literally snapped off.. my years of growing my layered hair.. Thank God though he did not cut it till shoulder length.. which could have been worse..

I paid $60 plus for a hair cut i totally regret..

The first time in my life i paid so much for a hair-cut.. what a regret...